So, you want to fall in love? You are certainly old enough and moving
well along your chosen career path. Many of your friends are either
married or in committed relationships. You have grown weary of the
singles scene
and the solitary life. Therefore, you must be ready, right?
Not necessarily.
So what is relationship readiness anyway? Exactly what it says.
You are adequately capable of handling the commitment and challenges
that a healthy, intimate relationship requires.
How do you know if you are ready? What are the characteristics
you need to have or acquire in order to be ready for true love?
There are four primary areas that you should explore in order to
assess your present state of readiness.
1. Take an inventory of past traumas and related major issues.
You should mentally review these and honestly look at how well
you have already addressed and resolved them.
As you work through each, ask yourself, "Is this impacting
me negatively in my present life." Also explore with yourself
the possibility that the issue could become problematic once you
have entered into an intimate relationship.
If you believe that there are things you have not yet adequately
dealt with, you need to go to work on these. If you are unsure,
then they bear closer examination. Consider utilizing resources
such as therapy or joining a support group.
An example of such issues can include, but not be limited to; emotional,
physical or sexual abuse in childhood, parents' divorce, loss of
a parent or other loved one, or a past abusive or dysfunctional
love relationship.
2. How's your self-awareness and self-esteem?
If you do not possess adequate self knowledge and a positive sense
of self; an intimate relationship will be difficult or impossible
to sustain.
For instance, do you know yourself well enough to answer the following?
Can you state your most deeply held values?
Do you know what you can't live with or without in a relationship?
Do you have a good grasp of your life goals?
Do you know your own strengths and weaknesses?
Now, do a quick assessment of your self-esteem.
How do you see yourself?
How do others see you?
Remember you present different selves:
at work
with family
with friends
in gatherings with acquaintances
If your answers tell you that you have difficulty accepting and
liking yourself, or if others frequently respond negatively to you
in your interactions with them, then this is an area you should
begin work on. Self-love is at the foundation of all healthy relationships.
3. Are your past relationships really in the past?
If we don't get adequate closure on painful experiences/issues
from past relationships, we are at risk of bringing them into present
and future relationships in order to relive and resolve them.
Therefore, it's important to know that you have dealt adequately
with any significant hurt or loss and have learned from any dysfunctional
dynamics you may have contributed to.
If you find yourself slipping into unhealthy patterns in your thoughts
or Behaviors as they relate to others; stop, identify, and then
deal with that leftover issue.
4. Do you know what you want from a relationship?
We enter into relationships for many different reasons and with
many different expectations. Knowing what yours are will help you
to determine if this is the right relationship for you.
Too often we "choose" someone using an unconscious level
of thought as our primary input. It is there that we hold our deepest
unmet needs, fears and desires. Unfortunately, there is often a
chasm between our conscious and unconscious selves that keeps this
information "hidden" from our rational and thinking side.
Therefore, it is very important to examine all of your feeling
and needs regarding any future relationship. Honestly look at what
you must have and cannot live without.
You must know what you want and need from a future partner in order
to choose the right one for you.
Now, spend some time exploring these four important areas before
you enter into a serious romantic relationship. By doing so, you
will be helping to ensure that your new relationship will be a healthy
and lasting one.
Toni Coleman is a licensed therapist and relationship coach in
private practice in McLean, Virginia. She specializes in working
with singles that want to create lasting, intimate relationships.
Toni has over 20 years of post-masters experience in relationship
counseling and coaching with singles and couples. She is the founder
and President of LifeChange Coaching and Consum-mate Relationship
Coaching. She developed and teaches the Creating Lasting Relationships
Training, a tele-workshop designed to help singles to define, implement
and fulfill their life and relationship goals. She has also written
numerous email classes for singles on all aspects of meeting, dating
and relating. She is the author of the email newsletter, The Art
of Intimacy, which goes out to thousands of subscribers monthly.
http://www.consum-mate.com
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