We are
all too familiar with the term "body language". There
have been books, workshops and endless discussions spawned by it.
But do you really KNOW how to interpret the non-verbal messages
that other people broadcast on a continual basis in their interactions
with you? There are two levels of communication that occur in any
interaction:
content
process
Content refers to what we SAY. Process refers to EVERYTHING ELSE
that occurs.
Interactions can be wrought with mixed signals- saying one thing
and non-verbally communicating another.
No wonder so many singles report confusion regarding what their
date was really thinking or feeling. On the surface, understanding
this language can seem very difficult, if not impossible. Not so,
if you learn to speak the non-verbal language of process.
The following tips will be presented using examples of naturally
(and commonly) reported dating scenarios experienced by singles.
1. Good eye contact/ poor eye contact
When you are sitting and talking with your date, do you notice
how they look at you, when you or they are speaking? When their
eye contact is good, this is a sign that they feel comfortable and
interested in you. They are really involved in the interaction and
want to be there. It also communicates honesty and sincerity. Conversely,
when your date has difficulty making eye contact, this communicates
discomfort; lack of interest or it could be extreme shyness. The
last would be easy to know if they are a shy person in general.
2. Restlessness
Have you ever experienced the restless date? You know the one.
He moves around in his chair, she looks at her watch, and his mind
seems somewhere else. He may or may not offer an explanation. What
appears to be going on is that her mind IS somewhere else. This
behavior communicates a lack of interest or a preoccupation with
someone or somewhere else.
3. Looking around at others a lot and not at you Have you ever
had the unpleasant experience of being out with someone who watches
the crowd the whole time? Perhaps, they just glance furtively (and
frequently) around the room? This, of course, signals lack of interest,
possible discomfort and a desire to avoid interaction with you.
It can also be a general sign of someone who is not trustworthy,
or at the very least, hasn't been completely honest/ candid with
you.
4. Is noticeably quiet Oh, how deafening is silence. It can speak
volumes. If your date has little to say to you what does this mean?
Maybe they are just not very interested in you. Perhaps they don't
think you would care to hear what they have to say. Maybe they think
you wouldn't appreciate hearing what they are really thinking. Perhaps
they are in an off or sour mood. Only you can interpret this. Be
careful not to quickly write it off to something you want it to
be, as opposed to what it really is.
5. Stiffening or closed-in body posture
You know what YOU do in uncomfortable situations. You fold your
arms tightly across your chest. You stiffen your spine You tightly
cross your legs. You turn your body at an angle away from the person
you are facing You lean away from the person you are with
Of course, the reverse is true when the interaction feels good.
You lean forward Your arms are relaxed or laying open to the person
You face the other person directly Your posture is relaxed and at
ease
It's fairly easy to interpret the closed-in posture. The other
person feels uncomfortable They aren't open to the interaction with
you They would rather not be there
If this is a first date, it will probably be the last.
6. Physical Contact
Perhaps the easiest communication to read correctly is that of
touch. If your date avoids taking your hand or putting his arm around
you he may be uncomfortable or unsure. He may also be shy, but you
would already know that.
If someone you have been dating for a while begins to exhibit changes
in their level of eye contact, body posture, attention to you, availability
and/or becomes restless or less communicative, pay attention. Their
feelings have shifted. Be careful not to be too quick to explain
it away. More than one occurrence should set off your silent alarm.
Make sure that what they say matches what they don't say.
Other (non-verbal) expressions that you should listen to that can
suddenly occur during the course of a dating relationship are: Calling
less or not calling Change in voice tone Becoming busy and not having
time to get together Lateness Missing dates without calling or having
a plausible excuse Moodiness- irritation/impatience/anger outbursts
If your date or boyfriend/girlfriend sends you any of the above
(negative) signals, the best way to handle it is to comment in a
direct (and gentle) way about it. Then watch for what he/she DOES
while you listen to their response. This will give you all the information
you need.
Toni Coleman is a licensed therapist and relationship coach in
private practice in McLean, Virginia. She specializes in working
with singles that want to create lasting, intimate relationships.
Toni has over 20 years of post-masters experience in relationship
counseling and coaching with singles and couples. She is the founder
and President of LifeChange Coaching and Consum-mate Relationship
Coaching. She developed and teaches the Creating Lasting Relationships
Training, a tele-workshop designed to help singles to define, implement
and fulfill their life and relationship goals. She has also written
numerous email classes for singles on all aspects of meeting, dating
and relating. She is the author of the email newsletter, The Art
of Intimacy, which goes out to thousands of subscribers monthly
http://www.consum-mate.com
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