He's your
good friend. She's your best confidant. You have known each other
for a few years and have shared meals, movies, hobbies and vacations.
You have confided to each other about your latest love interest
and turned to one another for support when the relationship(s) failed.
You can't imagine life without your good friend.
But for a while....
You've felt jealous of his dates. You've been overprotective of
her since she has been seeing the jerk. You've been having very
strong feelings of attraction and a desire for something more than
friendship. Could it be that your feelings for him/her have grown
into something more? If so, your relationship may have developed
into a "friend crush".
You don't know what to do. You know you want to continue spending
time together- more time. But it's getting hard. You fantasize about
having more with this person and are beginning to feel like a jealous
would-be partner. Do you pretend everything is the same? Do you
start distancing yourself- hoping your feelings will go back to
the way they were? Do you actually TALK directly and honestly with
your friend about how you feel?
What will happen to the relationship if you make the WRONG choice?
Just as all people are unique, so are the characteristics of their
relationships with others. There is no one-size-fits-all answer
to this increasingly common dilemma. So, let's take a look at your
options. You can:
* ignore your feelings, keep your boundaries in check and pretend
everything is status quo
In order to choose this option, you must be able to deny your feelings
so well that even you don't know what they are. You will also have
to continue being comfortable on the sidelines while someone else
has the relationship with this person that you desire. You will
most likely be asked what you think of this or that person and be
expected to be happy and supportive of your friend when they meet
the right someone for them. In return for all this, you will still
have your friend.
* begin to spend less time with your friend (crush) while seeking
out new friendships to pursue and strengthen
This option will most likely cause confusion and hurt on the part
of your friend who will wonder what happened. They may be understanding
and accepting of your need to spread your wings and support you
in doing what you need to do. Either way, you will see less of them
and your relationship can weaken and perhaps disappear altogether
as they move on with new people. If you can distance yourself for
a while and no longer feel the romantic butterflies, you can always
give them a call and may be able to pick up somewhere near where
you left off.
* continue the relationship with your own hidden agendas - a desire
for romantic intimacy and the hope that the person will realize
that they feel the same way
If they become involved with someone else in the meantime, you
can work to sabotage their new relationship or you can leave them
wondering where all your anger and hurt feelings are coming from.
You can spend a lot of time and energy handling it this way, without
anything to show for your efforts but the loss of a good friend.
* have an open and honest discussion with your friend regarding
your new feelings for them
This is the choice that seems to be the hardest for folks to make.
Often what I hear from people in this position is that they fear
"ruining the friendship" if they discuss their feelings
honestly. While this is a very understandable concern, it isn't
well thought out. It is emotional, not rational. Look again at the
other options. Every one will bring about a change in your current
friendship.
Why?
Once your feelings have changed, so does the relationship. Ignoring
them, hiding them or distancing yourself will lessen your closeness
and the positive dynamics that flow between good friends. You can't
go back. You need to decide how you want to move forward or if this
is an option for you. . It is also possible in choosing this option
that you will learn that they have similar feelings for you that
they were afraid to reveal. Therefore choosing this option could
result in romance and a love relationship based on true friendship.
Intimacy exists in all close relationships. It is the ability to
be completely open and vulnerable to another without fear of harm
or rejection. So, by definition, we cannot be intimate with another
while hiding or denying our true feelings and needs to them.
The choice will always be yours. Choosing wisely is about really
knowing the options, the consequences they bring and what will be
best for you and your friend.
Toni Coleman is a licensed therapist and relationship coach in
private practice in McLean, Virginia. She specializes in working
with singles that want to create lasting, intimate relationships.
Toni has over 20 years of post-masters experience in relationship
counseling and coaching with singles and couples. She is the founder
and President of LifeChange Coaching and Consum-mate Relationship
Coaching. She developed and teaches the Creating Lasting Relationships
Training, a tele-workshop designed to help singles to define, implement
and fulfill their life and relationship goals. She has also written
numerous email classes for singles on all aspects of meeting, dating
and relating. She is the author of the email newsletter, The Art
of Intimacy, which goes out to thousands of subscribers monthly.
http://www.consum-mate.com
Article Source:
http://EzineArticles.com/
|
