"Bad Boys".
If you're a woman, you may be saying "hmmm" as you hear
these words. You know you shouldn't, but you just can't help yourself.
There is just SOMETHING about these guys that draws you in, even
as your head tells you to "beware"!
So, what exactly is the attraction? It's not necessarily that they
are more physically attractive or smarter or more successful than
the "nice guys". In fact, they can have fewer of these
qualities, yet be harder to resist.
So what is it? Let's begin by defining these guys. This term is
generally applied to males who treat women poorly. Do these behaviors
ring a bell?
*calling at 8:30 on a Saturday night to ask if you want to get
together
*not showing up for a date- followed by no phone call or apology
*never having any money when you are out
* forgetting or ignoring your birthday and other important dates
*flirting openly with other women when you are together
*hitting on your good friend(s)
*making booty calls at 1am, after they've had a night out with
others
*is doing time for a serious felony
Instead of asking "what is it about these guys"; let's
instead examine what it is about the women who can't resist them.
The following are actual statements from women who have a history
of attraction to these guys. See if any of these sound familiar.
* "It's never BORING with him. He's unpredictable and exciting."
* "He's strong, aggressive and self-assured; I feel safe with
him."
* "It's not his fault; he's trying to get his life together."
* "I haven't met anyone else that makes me feel the way he
does."
* "He's so charming and passionate."
* "He tells me how much he likes me, so he must really feel
something for me."
* "He needs me."
* "He doesn't come across as needy and desperate."
* "I can't believe I've attracted someone like him."
Now, on the face of these, they seem pretty benign. We all seek
at least some of these traits in the men we choose. So, where's
the problem?
Essentially it's in his inability to meet the woman's fundamental
needs. She is the one doing all (or most) of the giving. The question
then lies in; "what's in it for her?"
The answer can be found by exploring three basic issues:
*level of self-esteem
*capacity for intimacy
*roles that she has been in throughout her life
If a woman feels good about herself, she chooses a mate who communicates
both verbally and non-verbally to her that she is valued and respected.
She won't allow this other person to undermine her positive self-worth.
She believes in her ability to participate in a healthy, reciprocal
relationship.
If she doesn't feel good about herself, she chooses someone who
reinforces her negative self-beliefs.
If a woman is capable of true intimacy, she is open to the true
availability of the other person. She wants him to be a full and
active participant in the relationship. She can allow herself to
be open, vulnerable and able to take as well as to receive all that
true intimacy offers.
If intimacy is difficult, she choose someone who is distant, hard
to connect with and not emotionally and/or physically available.
If a woman has had a healthy role in her relationships since childhood,
she will choose someone with whom she can continue this healthy
interaction.
If a woman has been too long in the role of rescuer, caregiver
or the one who sacrifices for the good of others, this will probably
be the role she will seek out in her relationships.
Fortunately, most women fall somewhere in between on these issues.
So the task is to evaluate yourself in each area and decide on a
course of action that will help you to choose a "nice guy",
who stirs your senses and meets your needs while being truly available
for a real relationship.
Begin with an assessment of what you value most in life and cannot
live without.
Go to http://www.consum-mate.com/newslets/02oct.htm for an article
on "clarifying and living your values".
Once you know what is most important to you and believe that you
are worthy of achieving it, you will have taken a giant step towards
finding the right partner for you.
Toni Coleman is a licensed therapist and relationship coach in
private practice in McLean, Virginia. She specializes in working
with singles that want to create lasting, intimate relationships.
Toni has over 20 years of post-masters experience in relationship
counseling and coaching with singles and couples. She is the founder
and President of LifeChange Coaching and Consum-mate Relationship
Coaching. She developed and teaches the Creating Lasting Relationships
Training, a tele-workshop designed to help singles to define, implement
and fulfill their life and relationship goals. She has also written
numerous email classes for singles on all aspects of meeting, dating
and relating. She is the author of the email newsletter, The Art
of Intimacy, which goes out to thousands of subscribers monthly.
http://www.consum-mate.com
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